I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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