I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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