I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
