I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
