Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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