Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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