you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
