Your face is a jimmy john
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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