God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Drunk is not a location!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
