When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
