You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
