Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
