The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
