I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
