i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
