K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
