We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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