I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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