I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
