Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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