I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
