A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
