Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
