I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
