I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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