i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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