mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
