Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He passed out mid-signature
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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