You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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