The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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