I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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