a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Is it penis luge time yet?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
