there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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