it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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