An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
