fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I will die if light touches me.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
