if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
