direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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