Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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