Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
