Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
