this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
