The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
