you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
how does that bad decision feel?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
