you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
