i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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