I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
