Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
