Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It's just like the Real World with babies
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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