so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
